The Fires of Mount Doom or maybe not
by Morwen and Cathelle
Summary: The Fellowship have reached Mount Doom and they take a little plunge into the fire when they end up...in a park on Earth?
1. Gimli's effective sneeze

Disclaimer: erm. . . before I start, I would like to make it clear that this is Cathelle of Rivendell, who is writing, though MorwenMageGirl is helping me immensely by posting this story for me.  
  
The Fires of Mt. Doom. . . or maybe not  
  
Chapter one: Gimli's effective sneeze  
  
Flashback:  
  
"There is only one way to destroy the Ring." said Gandalf. "Find the Cracks of Doom in  
  
the depths of Orodruin, the Fire-Mountain, and cast the Ring in there, if you really wish  
  
to destroy it, to put it beyond the grasp of the enemy forever."  
  
End of Flashback  
  
Frodo glared at the Fellowship. "Absolutely not. I am going to Mt. Doom, and the rest of  
  
you will go home and not worry about it. You are not coming with me."  
  
Sam blinked away tears of happiness. . . er. . . sorrow. "But, Mr. Frodo, I've come  
  
such a long way with you. Will you not let me claim some of the glory?"  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "I don't think you should go. You'd probably fall in yourself. I would be more suitable a companion. I could defend you better than Sam ever will be able to."  
  
Sam winced at the criticism. The truth, definitely, but a sore blow to his pride all the  
  
same.  
  
Legolas shook his head. "I'm the best looking. And I have pointy ears."  
  
"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Pippin. "I have pointy ears too."  
  
"And so do I." Added Merry.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "The author likes pointy elf ears."  
  
Gimli grunted. "In case you haven't noticed yet, we still haven't decided who is going  
  
with Frodo."  
  
Frodo screamed in frustration. "No one is! I'm going ALONE!"  
  
"I have a better idea." Started Gandalf.  
  
At this point the argument was so heated that nobody wanted to listen to an old wizard.  
  
He raised his staff. The sky darkened. Hail started pouring down.  
  
"YOU SHALL NOT ARGUE!!!" shouted Gandalf.  
  
Everyone immediately shut up like clams.  
  
"Right." Said Gandalf, and the hail stopped. "Why don't we all go with Frodo?"  
  
Frodo opened his mouth to protest and was cut off by Gandalf. "YOU SHALL NOT  
  
PROTEST!!!"  
  
"Okay." Said Frodo feebly.  
  
A while later, at the Cracks of Doom  
  
"Well, here we are," said Gandalf, whistling cheerfully as he motioned for the others  
  
to follow him onto the bridge over the fire. "We are here to do what Isildur could not.  
  
What a self-centered brat he was. Anyway, the Ring has been passed to Frodo, who had to bear it as a burden for the past. . . umm. . . well, for a very long time. Finally, we  
  
have reached the end of our quest. Will you do the honours Frodo?"  
  
Frodo was about to undo the chain that held the Ring, when suddenly, it felt so heavy  
  
that it started dragging him downwards, in the direction of the fire.  
  
"Help!" he cried as he fell.  
  
Sam gasped in mortification. "Mr. Frodo! Come back!" He plunged after Frodo, succeeding in grabbing his cloak, then realizing that he had neglected to attach himself to the bridge and was drawing steadily closer to the fires of Mt. Doom.  
  
Gimli, who was at the very back of the Fellowship, hadn't heard all the commotion. He  
  
sneezed, and knocked into Legolas, who knocked into Aragorn, who knocked into Pippin,  
  
thus creating a domino effect, and sending the rest of the Fellowship into the fire. Just  
  
before they hit it, they heard: "Gimli, son of Gloin! You fool!" Then everything went  
  
black, or rather, red.  
  
Disclaimer: Pretty short chapter, I know. But anyway, REVIEW!!! 


	2. El Cheapo fire

Chapter two: El Cheapo "fire"  
  
A few minutes later  
  
Frodo opened his eyes and found that he was sinking through some sort of red fluid. He  
  
was alive, obviously, but why wasn't he dead? This "fire" stuff was such a fake. But  
  
the Ring was gone. The chain was still there, choking him, as usual, but the Ring itself  
  
had disintegrated into the "fire".  
  
"Mr. Frodo!" yelled Sam, though it sounded quite muffled. "You're alive!"  
  
Frodo nodded, not sure if he should open his mouth, just in case this substance was  
  
toxic. He looked around. Merry and Pippin were quite startled, but unhurt. Gimli was  
  
unsuccessfully hacking away at the substance. Gandalf was raising and lowering his staff,  
  
with no avail. Legolas was sobbing, for some odd reason. Actually, if you paid close  
  
attention, you could hear his wailing voice: "My hair. . . no. . . my beautiful hair,  
  
submerged in poison!" he hiccupped. "All of it, ruined! No. . ." Aragorn was neither  
  
sobbing, nor hacking, nor raising or lowering anything. He just looked thoughtful.  
  
Everyone continued sinking. . . and sinking. Pippin had started to count the number of  
  
rocks they passed on their way down. Fifty-six million two hundred thousand and one,  
  
fifty-six million two hundred thousand and two. . . Merry had decided to name them: Fred, Bob, Jack, Oatmeal. . .  
  
Just when all of them had started to doze off from boredom, they hit the bottom. Everyone  
  
groaned, rubbing their sore butts. Well, with the exception of Gimli, who had fallen on  
  
his head. They were so busy complaining about their state of pain that they didn't  
  
notice that the "fire" was gone, or that they sat (or sprawled in pain) on a big wooden  
  
bench, in a field with people walking around. There were also people sitting on other  
  
benches. Everyone within hearing distance was regarding them with distaste and giving  
  
them a wide berth. Aragorn was the first to notice. And when he did, he nearly hit the  
  
roof, or rather, the sky.  
  
"Where are we?!?!"  
  
Legolas looked around. He noticed that the people around here dressed very differently. "Hey!" he said. "There are no elves anywhere! Nor anyone at all with pointy ears!"  
  
"Thank goodness." said Aragorn.  
  
"I resent that!" said everyone with pointy ears.  
  
Gandalf took out his pipe. "Go ahead and resent everything you want. But keep in mind  
  
that we still haven't figured out where we are!!"  
  
"Chill, old man." Said Pippin. "You need to calm down. Breathe in, breathe out. . .  
  
yes, good job!"  
  
"We're not in Middle-Earth." Commented Frodo.  
  
All the other hobbits pounced on him at once. "WHAT?!?!"  
  
"And you think Gandalf needs to chill?" Aragorn muttered.  
  
Frodo continued. "Well, everyone in Middle-Earth knows about Sauron and are afraid to  
  
walk around weaponless in open areas. Now, look at these people; their clothes are so  
  
tight and small you'd be able to see if a sword was sticking out or if they were  
  
carrying a bow and arrow thing. And look at this place! You can see some sort of  
  
poisonous stuff in the air. Middle-Earth is much cleaner. Well, the Shire is, anyway."  
  
Gandalf shook his head in wonder. "I admire your observation, Frodo, but WHERE ARE  
  
WE?!?!"  
  
Frodo didn't know. Pippin decided to go ask people for directions back to Middle-Earth.  
  
Being a hobbit, he came only up to people's waists. Not a good thing if you're trying  
  
to get someone else's attention.  
  
Frodo, Sam, and Merry decided to take out their pipes and make smoke rings. Legolas  
  
rolled his eyes, wondering how they could stand the smell of pipe-weed.  
  
Disclaimer: Yes, this is a horrible place to end a chapter. But I couldn't figure out  
  
where else to stop. Read on to find out how the Fellowship meets a "fine" police guy. 


	3. a slightly deranged police guy and Borom...

Disclaimer: Hello again! Sorry this took so long to update. See, I didn't really save this chapter, so I kind of have to retype it. Anyway, of course I don't own LOTR, but I do own the policeman that comes into play in this chapter. And I own the mental hospital in here too. And maybe even Boromir's new state of mind. Hehehe. . .

Chapter 3

A slightly deranged policeman and the Return of Boromir

(this chapter starts almost right after the previous left off)

Minutes later, Pippin returned, though not willfully. A person in a blue uniform with a tag saying, "Park Police" was dragging him over.

"Ahem." He said, and the Fellowship looked at him. He glared at them before saying, "Leaving small children unattended in a crowded park? I believe I shall have to fine you. Sir," he said to Gandalf, pointing at a no-smoking sign, "You are violating the law of abusement to a natural area in a public place. That's $600 altogether." He gasped in horror at the hobbits. "Under the legal age for smoking! Who sold you the tobacco? That makes it $2,400. And because you parents didn't stop your children from doing this. . . $2,600.

Aragorn put his hand on the hilt of his sword. The police guy gasped in horror again. "Weapons of mass destruction in a public place? You must be dangerous criminals. Since I'm too lazy to bring you to the police station, I will just raise the fine to $3000."

"Hey! What makes you think you can to this?" Aragorn asked angrily.

The police guy thrust his badge into Aragorn's face. "This!"

Aragorn snorted. "If you are of higher authority than the King of Gondor, the Prince of Mirkwood, and the highest of the Five Wizards, then do say so, and we will yield to your request!"

The police guy blinked.

"Uh, I'll just take your names, then."

Legolas grinned. This would be fun.

"I am Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil, prince of Mirkwood. That is Ginli, son of Gloin, cousin of Balin. This is Gandalf the white, highest ranked of the Five Wizards. Frodo Baggins, son of Drogo, ringbearer. Samwise Gamgee, son of Hamfast the Gaffer, gardener extraordinaire. Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took of the Shire. Lastly, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor, also called Strider, Elessar, Dunadan, the Elfstone, and Estel."

The police guy looked very confused indeed. See, all those names were foreign to him, as well as the places. "Mirkwood" sounded like a breed of bird. He wasn't sure whether to just let them go and let another officer deal with it, or throw them into the mental hospital.

He stood there, weighing his options. Eventually, he called some more police guys for backup, and sent the Fellowship to St.Joseph's hospital for the mentally deranged, gagged and blindfolded. They were all thrown into a large cell and began to wonder if Legolas should really have given so much information.

Aragorn started banging on the walls. A man covered in armor from head to toe came in and confiscated all their weapons. Grumpily, Legolas walked to the back of the cell. To his surprise, there was a guy back there.

"Aaaah!" cried Legolas.

Aragorn and Gimli turned to look.

"BOROMIR?!?!?!"

Boromir looked up. "Faramir!" he yelled, hugging Gimli.

Gimli looked uncomfortable. "Uh. . . no. Gimli."

"Father!" Boromir hugged Aragorn.

Aragorn looked uncomfortable. "Uh. . . no. Aragorn."

Boromir looked confused. "But haven't you come to visit me?"

"Aren't you dead?" asked Legolas.

A passing doctor answered his question. "He was sent down a waterfall by a friend. He felt betrayed and has been gibbering about some Denethor guy. He won't stop, so that's why he's here. He says he lives in Gondor. Well, I'll tell you, there's no Gondor around here. Nor the Denethor guy he wants."

Aragorn blinked. "But if he was sent down a waterfall, how did he get here?"

The doctor shrugged. "I was told some diver picked him up as he was falling through the water and attempted to the CPR on him. When that failed, he was taken here." She shrugged again. "I have to say though; you seem a lot more sane than the others." She gestured to the other cells, where patients were playing hide and seek and tag, and walked off.

"Why aren't you _dead_?" demanded Frodo angrily.

Boromir's eyes glazed over. "The Ringbearer. . ."

Frodo stuck out his tongue. "I already threw it into Mt. Doom."

Boromir started to cry. "My father is dead! He committed suicide!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Pippin.

"MOTHER!!!!!!!" cried Boromir, hugging Legolas. "I haven't seen you for so long!"

Legolas screamed. Aragorn grabbed him and pulled him back into the corner where they had been making a plan to get out.

End of chapter

Do you like the "MOTHER!!!" part? I just noticed that this chapter had a lot of dialog. Hope it wasn't too boring! Anyway, REEEEVVVIIEWWWW!!!


	4. The escape or Gandalf's addiction

Chapter 4

The intelligent and highly effective escape plan

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. But I do own the intelligent and highly effective escape plan.

**A/N: I'M DONE EXAMS!**

* * *

Soon Legolas and Aragorn decided to put their escape plan to action. In the far corner of the cell there was a washroom. That was vitally important, because in the washroom there was a barred window where the 10-foot high wall met the ceiling.

First they asked. . . or rather begged Gandalf to widen the bars in the front of the cell. This was no easy accomplishment, as the wizard was in a foul mood, due to lack of pipe-weed. The policeman in the park had confiscated all the pipes and leaves. So that left Gandalf, crouched in a dark corner, muttering to himself, ready to jump on anyone who approached. Pippin was the first to try.

"Um, Gandalf?"

"Hmadfghakjfadjghfsklfkdajfhjadfh!"

"Pardon?"

"I SAID, 'Leave me alone!'"

The foolish hobbit, of course, had no natural instinct, and only inched closer.

"Gandalf? Legolas and Aragorn need you to-"

"Jasdljtgakldjfhklajdfhkaj! Fool of a Took! Get away from me!"

With that, a booted foot emerged and swiftly kicked the startled hobbit, sending him flying halfway across the cell.

Frodo had no more luck than Pippin. He crawled toward Gandalf, then stood up and started singing to the tune of "Old Macdonald had a farm"

"_Once there was a Ring of Power,_

_EEEAAAAEEEEEAAAAOOOOO!_

_But then I went and killed it,_

_In the fires of Mt.Doom!_

_Now Aragorn here,_

_And Legolas there,_

_They need _

_you to-"_

But then the booted foot came out once more and Frodo flew even farther than Pippin had.

After both these unsuccessful attempts, Legolas decided to try a new tactic. He approached the corner silently with his elvish gracefulness.

"You don't have to bother sneaking up on me," Gandalf grumbled. "I have eyes, you know."

Legolas nodded. "I know. But I don't want _them_ to know I'm telling you this."

Gandalf frowned. "Who's _them_?"

Legolas looked around, as if to make sure no one was watching, then whispered. "You see those huge, menacing, metal spikes that are stuck between the ceiling and the floor? Those are called _cell bars_. I don't want them to hear me talking to you."

For a moment Gandalf looked interested. "Ooooohh. I see. But why don't you want them to hear you?"

Legolas lowered his voice even more, so that Gandalf had to strain his ears to hear the elf. "Well, they said something about you, but they didn't want you to know, because you can destroy them, and if anyone told you they would destroy the messenger."

"What did they say about me?"

Legolas paused. "They said. . . they said you have a. . . ," Legolas paused again, "Gandalf, before I tell you this, will you promise not to let _them_ know that it was me who told you?"

Gandalf nodded impatiently. "Yes, yes, yes. Now tell me what they said."

Legolas' voice was hushed, and his eyes darted back and forth restlessly. "They said you had a. . . an addiction."

The reaction was immediate. Legolas watched with a satisfied smile as Gandalf jumped to his feet, out of the corner, and reached the cell bars in one leap.

"DARE you insult me! ADDICTION! HA! I'LL SHOW YOU ADDICTION!"

And Gandalf began muttering incomprehensible words. The bars of the cell slowly began to widen, but as they were too strong to break, they merely opened up to form a hole. Legolas slipped through the hole and came back 5 minutes later, with all their weapons. Aragorn snatched up Anduril and began patting it affectionately. Gandalf was still trying to force the bars to widen. Legolas dropped all the weapons on the ground and went to try to convince Gandalf to close up the hole so that all the evidence was erased.

"Gandalf."

"WHAT!"

"The bars said. . . "

"What are they saying about me now?"

"They say what you're doing to them hurts a lot-"

"Good!"

"-and they also say they're sorry they ever insulted you. They say wizards are cool and you are the coolest."

Gandalf stopped glaring at the bars and looked instead at Legolas. "Really?"

"Yes, and they say that pipe-weed is cool and they curse whoever took it away from you. They simply admire you so much they want you to continue bending them so they can claim how much you influenced them."

Gandalf grinned. "Wow! I'm cool!"

Legolas nodded. "Yes, but. . ." he pulled Gandalf away from the bars and whispered, "I think maybe you should straighten them back."

Gandalf looked confused. "Why? Don't they want to be bent?"

"Yes, but think about _them._ When other bars look at them and they say a wizard bent them, they'll get the image that wizards like to torture cell bars. Especially cell bars that look up to them."

"Well, in that case. . . maybe I should. . ." Gandalf walked over to the bars and started to bend them back. In a few seconds they looked normal again.

Legolas and Aragorn went over to the window in the washroom. Legolas now began trying to convince Aragorn to slice the bars on the window so they could get out. This was no easier than getting Gandalf to open and close the bars on the door of the cell.

"But Aragorn-"

"No. No, no, and no. I will not risk even the tiniest scratch on my precious baby." He looked at his sword with emotion. "Don't worry, Anduril, Flame of the West, daddy's here. He'll protect you from the mad elf. He won't let you get scratched. KEEP AWAY!" he screamed as Legolas approached, "Don't hurt my baby!"

Legolas rolled his eyes. "I have no intention of hurting your sword. But I'm tired of playing mental games so that you guys will cooperate with me. If you want to get out of here, you will _split open the bars _before I lose my patience!"

An angry elf is no fun sight.

But even so, Aragorn protested, "Wait a moment. Let me have a chat with my precious about this."

Legolas looked up at the ceiling, mouth open in a silent howl that he was dying to let out.

Aragorn reassured his sword. "No, daddy will not let the mad elf get at you. No, he won't. But," his voice changed to a disgruntling sound, "If he isssss trying to take the preciousssss, we will not sssstand for that!" His voice changed again, "But-but if we don't use the preciousss, we will never get out. And Legolasssss will be angry."

This such argument proceeded for several minutes before Aragorn finally agreed to slice the bars at their top and bottom. They came off.

Legolas, who was about 6 feet tall, lifted Pippin, who was almost 4 feet tall. This human ladder reached to almost 10 feet, and Pippin was able to grab the ledge of the window and hoist himself up.

Next came Frodo, with assistance from Pippin. Then Merry, then Sam.

"Nobody touches a dwarf," growled Gimli.

Legolas raised his eyebrows. "You're going to jump 10 feet?"

"Well, no, but-"

Aragorn lifted his eyes heavenward. "You want to get out or not?"

"Well, yes, but-"

Aragorn kicked Gimli, hard, sending him flying into the astonished hobbits. "NEXT VICTIM!"

"So appealing," muttered Gandalf.

"Sam," Aragorn called up, "Give me your elvish rope."

Sam gasped. "My _elvish_ rope? The one given to me by Lady Galadriel? Absolutely not!"

Aragorn was running low on patience. "Sam, either you give it to me voluntarily, or I come up there and wrestle it from you. I would not choose the second option if I were you. Being unable to fight in so long has made me quite. . . _dangerous."_

Sam looked at Aragorn. . . and decided it might be a good idea to give Aragorn the rope. He threw it down, hitting Aragorn square in the head.

"Boy, if looks could kill. . ." Sam muttered.

Legolas took the rope and tied it to an arrow as Gandalf filled a large container with water and passed it up to Frodo. Legolas shot the arrow towards the window, always keeping a tight grip on one end of the rope. Gimli caught the arrow. He and all the hobbits held on tightly as Gandalf climbed up, followed by Aragorn, and finally Legolas, who was carrying his bow and arrows, as will as the bars which Aragorn had severed off.

When everyone was out, Sam grabbed his rope and put it away, whispering reassuring things to his "precious."

Legolas took out some Mirkwood Tree Sap and got everyone to take some and glue the bars back on. With everyone working diligently and efficiently, the work was done within minutes. The Mirkwood Tree Sap worked miraculously as well; by the time they were finished the bars looked as good as new, and they would stay in place unless someone came up and conked the bars with an axe. The sap had the property of Crazy Glue, except Crazy Glue was skin-bonding (as the authoress' little brother learned the hard way) and the sap washed off easily with water if it was still moist.

Since the Fellowship had only entered the hospital half an hour ago, not many doctors would know yet of their presence, and even less of their escape. If they ever found out they had disappeared and questioned Boromir, it was more than likely they wouldn't get many comprehensible sentences out of him. Either way, he hadn't noticed anything.

As soon as the bars were glued on the Fellowship washed their hands in the water that Gandalf had passed up, and then dumped the water into the grass, making disappear all traces of their appearance.

And so they had escaped from St. Joseph's hospital for the Mentally Deranged.

They proceeded to run as fast as they could into the nearest forest. There, they dug a deep hole and buried the empty container that had once held the water they used to wash the sap off their hands.

And so ends Chapter 4

A/N: Wow! This was actually a pretty long chapter! I had the rough copy written down already, but I expanded on it a lot when I typed it up. Please keep reviewing!


End file.
